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There's a place in this country where everyone is obese, people routinely use the word "daggummit," and wooden Indians constitute high art. Every other road is a highway, downtown is a Jiffy gas station, and healthy food... doesn't exist. Oh, Tennessee, if I were a redneck, I'd-a thought I'd-a died and gone to heaven.

Tennesseans are nice people. Or they seem nice. A little slow, but nice. Probably. Provided you drive an American car and wear a Christian cross prominently on your person, Tennesseans are the nicest people in the whole country. Side.

OK, that's probably not fair. I've only spent time in eastern Tennessee, which probably is nothing like the bastions of sophistication known as central and western Tennessee. The east side of the state abuts the Appalachians, and I must say, past experiences in the Appalachians of West Virginia, Maryland and Virginia have led me to conclude that the region is responsible for a disproportionate amount of America's mouth breathers.

This is a sad state of affairs, because the Appalachians, including eastern Tennessee, are gorgeous. Really. Tree-covered, mountain-like hills, one after the other. Uncountable streams and rivers. If we could just poison all the people and raze their primitive and bizarre shrines -- such as Dollywood and the equally gaudy tourist traps that have sprung up around it -- the U.S. could declare Tennessee's 150-year siege on good taste finally over and repopulate it with French hand models.

There are a few good things in Tennessee. The Great Smoky Mountains, Vanderbilt University, and an innovative nudie bar. It's just that the good things are hidden behind skorts, highway dinosaur sculptures and refrigerator magnets that say things like "Bless this mess" and "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Despite its spectacular devotion to the kitsch arts, Tennessee seems to lack an identity. Any one of the state's towns would be equally at home in northern Alabama or Mississippi, western North Carolina, or Kentucky. Shitty food, poor English, country music... I mean, this is what the entire South is like.

Tennessee's past identity confusion explains why, after decades of having no professional sports teams, Tennesseans glommed onto the Titans (American football) and Grizzlies so quickly. Tennesseans desperately needed better representation than Dolly Parton, Jim Varney and Elvis Pressley. "Better" being relative. In any case, things are looking up.

So here's to you, Tennessee. I mean it. You border the most American states and you're shaped like a rhombus.